The Silver Bullet

2009-12-03T23:52:00.002-05:00

Who is Dan Haren? I could probably get an all-star bid in the National League, and I haven't pitched since 8th grade house.

BOOOOOIIIIING!!!! (FLUSH!!)

2007-12-19T12:57:00.001-05:00

Thank god.
Please bring back Mike and Mike, you cheap CBS bastards. I've actually resorted to listening to NPR on the way to work. Somebody talk about sports for god's sake.

Big(ger) fence to be built around the Big House

2007-12-17T17:12:00.001-05:00

Tiny: Still want Bill Martin fired?
Spider Man: If he didn't get Rich Rodriguez, he should've been fired
Tiny: But he did get Rodriguez.
Spider Man: So he saved his ass
Tiny: So he shouldn't get fired.
Spider Man: I'll give him credit for that
Tiny: He appreciates it.
Spider Man: He's still a relic
Tiny: Read this, negative-nancy.
Spider Man: Dude, i can't read any more. It's all rah rah Rodriguez. That's fine and dandy, but...
Tiny: Hater.
Spider Man: He better bring a championship within 3 years, tops.
Tiny: So, that's all he has to do? Can he bring you a toasted english muffin as well?
Spider Man: Mmm... Muffin.
Tiny: What else is there to do? A championship within 7 years is a home run for Michigan, and you want it within three years!? Give the man a chance to have a senior class, at least.
Spider Man: Urban Meyer did it in 2.
Tiny: ...and your point?
Spider Man: ...
Tiny: He has to be the best coach in the game to prove that he was worth having to wait around a couple weeks before we hired him?
Spider Man: Yes.
Tiny: You crazy.
Spider Man: My ear hurts.
Spider Man: There's a zit in my left ear :(
Tiny: Ouch. Those are the worst.
Spider Man: Big ouchie
Tiny: You still crazy.
Spider Man: You just want to say I hate hispanic people, right?
Spider Man: Well, fine!!
Spider Man: I HATE MEXICAN PEOPLE!
Tiny: THERE it is.

Joel Zumaya breaks hand in 7 places answering Iphone

2007-11-02T08:06:00.001-04:00

2007-10-25T14:29:00.000-04:00

J.R.R. Tolkien's New Admission: Gandalf is gay

This just in: Guy who wrote Arthurian legends says, 'Merlin is gay'

Breaking news: Wizards' Logo is gay

2007-10-22T00:08:00.001-04:00

Sing Along!!!

I know you know the words:

"All the little chicks with the crimson lips go
Cleveland chokes! Cleveland chokes!
Livin' in sin with a safety pin,
Cleveland chokes! Cleveland chokes!"

Thanks Cleveland. It's good to know that some things never change!

2007-10-01T11:55:00.000-04:00

Phillies Win Division, Shoot Porn Video

2007-09-27T01:02:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I get to thinking that Simmons is a total moron that couldn't get any dumber;

then he goes writing something like this...and Totally Redeems Himself.
http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/blog/index?name=simmons&entryDate=20070926&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab2pos2

2 Notes:

1) I watched Kirilenko play live early in 2006 and Simmons is right; he is incredible. He flew around the court, affected most plays, and instructed his teammates like a conductor. Extremely underrated and he needs to get off that team

2) Old Billy has no clue how much Sheed would help Phoenix. He doesn't need the ball (a big plus for a stacked Phoenix team), is the only player in the league that can guard Duncan (Phoenix's biggest obstacle to the finals), and his biggest weakness (being a headcase that only tries occasionally) would be mitigated by D'Antoni and his considerable juice. For the record, I think Marion is a really good defender but his offense is severely overrated. Sheed for Marion would be a bad move for the Pistons.

Eddie Griffin Totally Ruins Joke by Dying in Fiery Crash

2007-08-22T09:26:00.001-04:00

Blogger's dream Eddie Griffin (the former NBA player, not the "actor") was identified as the man who died in a train accident last week at the age of 25. We'll miss your regular fights with teammates, your abuse and attempted shooting of exgirlfriends, and your fondness for driving while masturbating, but most of all, we'll miss your laughter and your smile. Oh Eddie, we hardly knew you... ever played any actual basketball.

Ain't No Valley Low Enough

2007-08-14T16:07:00.001-04:00

According to Wikipedia, in 1970 Marvin Gaye was so depressed after the death of Tammi Terrell, he actually tried out for the Detroit Lions.

Get Hyphy

2007-08-08T15:10:00.001-04:00

This list of baseball entrance music on wikipedia just killed a good part of my day.
Highlights include:

Bobby Crosby of the Oakland Athletics, who stares down pitchers to "Larger Than Life" by the Backstreet Boys,

Brandon Webb of the Arizona Diamondbacks who somehow comes out to "Jam On It" by Newcleus, making him my new favorite player,

and the odd paradox of L.A. Dodger Luis Gonzalez who chooses between "Givin the Dog a Bone" by AC/DC and "Get'cha Head in the Game" from the High School Musical, probably based on whether or not there are any women in the stadium.
There's also a nice list of extra fun players at the bottom who request that no music be played for them, as well as the fact that John Rocker was personally asked by Twisted Sister not to use their song, since he is a jack-ass. However, the band personally responsible for the collapse of the Berlin Wall, The Scorpions, seem cool with it.

2007-08-08T14:49:00.000-04:00

Marlon Byrd Hits 24th Career Home Run

Marlon Byrd raised both arms over his head like a prize fighter in victory, fists clenched -- and then he took off.

It was over at long last.

Byrd hit No. 24 Tuesday night, and hammered home that very point.

"I knew I hit it," Byrd said. "I knew I got it. I was like, phew, finally."

Later, he firmly and flatly rejected any suggestion that this milestone was stained by steroids.

"This record is not tainted at all. At all. Period," Byrd said.

2007-08-07T08:23:00.000-04:00

"What, this old thing? I bet you say that to all the ball players."

Rodney Stuckey is Fwee!

2007-07-30T14:24:00.001-04:00

It's my birthday, mommies!

Arron Afflalo is Hot!

2007-07-30T14:17:00.001-04:00

Hello Ladies!

Charlie Weis Loses Suit

2007-07-24T16:22:00.001-04:00

A Jury in Boston found against Charlie Weis' claim that 2 doctors botched his gastric bypass surgery. I'm guessing that the judge found the appearance of Weis' pleated abdomen 'prejudicial', or he could be coaching Notre Dame for free.

Tim Donaghy Sentenced to Ass Wooping by Rasheed Wallace

2007-07-23T16:15:00.001-04:00

NBA Fans were stunned today upon hearing that David Stern's swift punishment of Tim Donaghy for allegedly fixing games was to be a brutal beating at the hands of Rasheed Wallace. Stern managed to pause briefly from his ample workload planning wardrobes for NBA players this following season to punish the official after consulting with his entourage for a 4 minute session.
"Rasheed Wallace has stated publicly that he is willing to repeatedly punch any referee in the face who steps out of line." stated Stern publicly, while dribbling multiple polycarbonate basketballs through an obstacle course he had devised out of cones and cardboard cut-outs of Raja Bell. "Mr. Wallace, the NBA needs you now more than ever."
"I'm about to woop his monkey ass." Rasheed Wallace spoke from his greater Detroit home earlier today. "He cost me about 1.6 Mil', and I'ma take it out HIS ASS."
Donaghy's statement could not be discerned through intense sobbing.

2007-07-23T15:17:00.000-04:00

The Devil Has Many Faces

BURN!

2007-07-13T08:06:00.001-04:00

Gil Thorp
July 13, 2007

Shimmy Shimmy Ya!

2007-07-11T16:16:00.001-04:00

Heard 2 good jokes about Antoine Walker's house getting robbed yesterday. One was on the Sportsguy's web chat:

Eric (Raleigh, NC): How did Antonie Walker prevent the robber from getting a shot off?

Bill Simmons: (12:53 PM ET ) Now THAT is a good joke.

The other was on Pardon the Interruption, where Dan Le Batard asked whether or not the burglars were Pat Riley and Randy Pfund demanding some of the money back from Toine's ridiculous salary.

2007-07-09T14:59:00.000-04:00

Obligatory "Sorry About the Lack of Posts" Post

Nope. Not gonna happen. We're no right-wing apologists. Instead, we'll post google image searches of tough-talking republican sayings. IN YOUR FACE, LIBERAL HOMOS.
Honestly, most of the Silver Bullet staff are on some sort of vacation and the only things happening in sports involve home run derbies and tennis. When something happens, we'll let you know. In the mean-time, please enjoy this video from the captain of mailing it in.

Toughest Job Ever

2007-06-21T16:50:00.001-04:00

Apparantly, the Piston's director of player personnel Scott Perry has left town for the Sonics. How could we let somebody go who did so well in the 2003 draft? Welcome to endless sleepless nights, Mr. Perry. No one knows who you'll take at number 2, and it's up to you to figure it out. If that weren't enough strife, now you have to deal with Robert Swift, and some Stallions weren't meant to be tamed.

2007-06-18T13:45:00.000-04:00

Joe Dumars to NBA: No More Foreigners

Auburn Hills, MI - Following his trade of Carlos Delfino to a team located in a different country, Pistons President Joe Dumars reiterated his "no more foreigners" policy.

"I will not rest," said Dumars, "until the Pistons organization becomes a truly American organization."

Dumars, hating foreigners.

With trades last year of Darko Milicic and Carlos Arroyo, Dumars is continuing his "holy war" against players born far from our shores.

"I will not stop until foreign floppings are erased from the Earth."

"Or at least until they become technical fouls."

Matt Bonner: NBA Champion

2007-06-15T08:05:00.001-04:00

Sportsguy to host David Stern

2007-06-14T09:31:00.001-04:00

On Thursday afternoon, NBA commissioner David Stern will be Bill Simmons' guest on his weekly podcast.

If you'd like to ask the commish a question -- and please, no joke questions -- send us an e-mail with "Stern Podcast" in the subject heading. And please make sure to include your full name and hometown. Thanks.

To: sportsguy@ESPN.com

From: shineytiney@yahoo.com

Subject: Stern Podcast

Dear David,

Will you resign?

Please?

Love,

Tiny (Silver Bullet Offices, Detroit)

PS. This is not a joke.

7000 Seagulls Bear Witness to Justin Verlander No Hitter

2007-06-13T14:43:00.001-04:00

37 fans ejected for saying "No Hitter" out loud. 59 more ejected for looking at Verlander.

In other news, Rod Allen beat Mario Impemba within an inch of his life for referring to Verlander by name during attempted no-hitter. As of yet, police are not pressing charges, nor admitting that the incident took place, or that there is a baseball team in Detroit called "The Tigers".

SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS

2007-06-13T07:14:00.001-04:00

PARIS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS ...no hitter?... SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS

PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON

2007-06-12T08:56:00.001-04:00

PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON ...sports?... PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON

2007-06-08T15:01:00.001-04:00

On "The Dan Patrick Show", Keith Olbermann just said Star Wars is overrated and that Mexican wrestling movies are great.

2007-06-07T11:36:00.001-04:00

MEH.

and

=

and, ultimately...

not cool. very unhappy.

2007-06-05T14:14:00.000-04:00

"Roger Clemens will have tests on his ailing groin Monday, and the New York Yankees hope he can make his first start of the season next weekend."

2007-06-04T14:59:00.000-04:00

Remembering Dr. Z

The 2006 baseball season was a magical one for Tigers fans for many reasons: the playoff sweep of the A's, Zumaya's 100+ mph fastball, "gum time," Monroe's late game heroics, and for me, endless "Dear Dr. Z" commercials on FSN. The one with the kids' field trip, the inscrutable one with the soccer mom, and even the one with those Hemi dudes. Commercials that ran so often I could recite ever word, every inflection, every variation in Dr. Z's lilting German accent. I studied the soccer mom one endlessly, eventually determining that it must have been edited down from a longer version; that was the only way to account for its complete lack of a punchline.

But as quickly and as forcefully as they entered my life, they were gone. And now, with Chrysler being split from the DaimlerChrysler group, I fear we will never see Dr. Z again. All that's left now are Comerica's numbing "successful entrepreneur" commercials.

Where are you Dr. Z? I need you.

2007-06-04T11:21:00.000-04:00

Michigan House Passes Bill Forbidding Tigers to Lose

The Michigan House of Representatives approved a bill late Saturday night that makes it a felony for the Detroit Tigers to not reach the playoffs during the 2007 Major League Baseball season.

“We can’t pass a budget, the state is deeply in debt, unemployment is on the rise, and gas prices are at an all time high,” said Speaker of the House Andy Dillon. “The Red Wings and Pistons are out of the playoffs, and the Lions are contractually obligated to lose this season. The Tigers are all the state of Michigan has left.”

The bill authorizes law enforcement officials to take “all necessary and prudent action” to ensure the Tigers achieve at least a wild card spot in the American League.

“We’re still discussing it amongst the team, but we have several strategies in the works to comply with the law,” said manager Jim Leyland.

Governor Jennifer Granholm is expected to sign the bill on Monday.

2007-06-04T10:43:00.000-04:00

Report: Billy Donovan Having 2nd Thoughts About Ordering Oatmeal For Breakfast, Attempting to Have Muffin Instead

Billy Donovan might not be done with muffins after all. FoxSports.com, citing two anonymous sources, reported Sunday night that Donovan was having second thoughts about oatmeal and was attempting to return to eating muffins.

Donovan agreed to have oatmeal on Thursday, but FoxSports.com reported that he has approached the restaurant's manager about getting out of the deal.

According to one of the sources, the waitress forced Donovan to make a rash decision.

Fuck You, Ohio

2007-06-04T08:59:00.001-04:00

As if I didn't have enough reasons to hate Ohio before, now I have this to think about. Some other reasons I hate Ohio:

Ohio State.

Sarah Jessica Parker

Apparently, she's from Ohio. Everyone who's ever heard me talk knows that I would rather have my eyes stung by scorpions than see 'Sex In the City' again. I would just go gay so that I wouldn't ever have to see it again, but surprisingly, the gays watch it as well.

From the parts I saw when blood stopped shooting out of my eyes, this show seems to be about sluts who complain about the assholes they are 'dating' because they are assholes.

Ohio can be blamed for electing the worst president in America's history not once, but twice.

The Rock and Roll Hall of fame is in Ohio? That makes sense. The Raspberries are from Cleveland! I love that Zombie song!

That thing of which we will not speak it's name.

And now I have this to think about. Nothing I love better than sitting in a bar and pouting all night. Thanks to Girl #1 for trying (and failing) to cheer me up by getting really, really drunk.

2007-06-02T11:46:00.000-04:00

Rough and Ready

Hold off the Piston funeral precedings for now. Anybody who has gone through the dramatic implausibility of watching this team come back series after series over the last couple of years knows that this team is only happy backed into a corner. Every article you read ordaining Lebron James the new king stirs a little more fire.
Everyone is so thrilled to see the Pistons usher in a new era like they did with Jordan, they seem to have forgotten that the Cavs have yet to seal the deal. This dog is notorious for being dangerous when it's hurt, and Cleveland is about to get bit. Cleveland is going to wish they stopped trying to turn Quicken Loans Arena into the Palace when they're getting beat like they're on the road. Book it.

2007-06-01T11:21:00.000-04:00

Wolf Out!!

Last timeout of regulation in the Eastern Conference Finals, Game 5, inside the Cav's huddle:
Drew Gooden: What's the plan, coach?
Mike Brown: (sweating, teeth chattering) Well...uh...p-p-plan...(nervously eyes LeBron)
LeBron James: Give me the ball. I will make every basket, and I will score ALL the points while y'all stand back and bask in my greatness.
Anderson Varejao: Shfuglidh! Flikkk! Cujjj, cujj, cujj!!
MB: You'll take the b-b-ball? Every t-t-t-t-
LBJ: EVERY TIME.
DG: The "Teen Wolf" play? LET IT RAIN!!!!
LBJ: The. "Teen Wolf". Play.
AV: Snarf!! Snarf!! Snarf!!

Cleveland Bombed Back Into Stone Age

2007-06-01T07:44:00.001-04:00

Head of Drew Carrey placed on pike.

In an unrelated story, nothing happened in sports yesterday.

2007-05-31T23:58:00.001-04:00

So...
...who's looking forward to rebuilding?

Show of hands? Anybody?

I know it's not over, but watching that didn't make me feel any better.

Yes, this happened last year. In an earlier round. With a different team. Against a less experienced team. And a different LeBron. 48 points? Are you kidding me? I barely score 48 points in 2K7, and I HAVE LEBRON ON MY TEAM.

2007-05-31T14:53:00.000-04:00

Atlanta Falcons: That whole Matt Schaub trade thing?
Houston Texans: Yeah?
Atlanta Falcons: We were just kidding about that.

2007-05-31T14:41:00.000-04:00

Yankees vs. Red Sox
By Yankees Red Sox

Yankess and Red Sox. Red Sox and Yankees. Yankees Red Sox Red Sox Yankees? Red Sox Yankees Red Sox! Yankees! Red Sox! Red Sox! Yankees! Red Sox Red Sox Red Sox. Yankees. Yankees. Yankees. Yankees. RED SOX YANKEES REDSOXYANKEESREDSOXYANKEES!!!!!!!!!!

This breaking story brought to you courtesy of ESPN.

Growth Watch!

2007-05-31T08:43:00.001-04:00

Side-Show Bob whispers sweet nothings to Drew Gooden's neck growth.

Recently, Silver Bullet investigators have learned from scientists specializing in spores, molds and fungus several possible origins for that thing on the back of Drew Gooden's neck. Here are a few of them:

The spot on Rasheed where god touched him.

The best case I've ever seen for spray-on hair.

Former:

Current:

Caeser's missing unibrow.

In a never-ending pile of evidence proving that the Silver Bullet 'employs' the hardest working investigative reporters this side of Geraldo Rivera, we bring you an exclusive interview with Drew Gooden's neck hair soul patch thing:

Silver Bullet: Welcome to the Silver Bullet offices. Thanks for granting us this interview.

Neck Hair Soul Patch Thing: Oh god. Jesus, help me... Every moment is agony!

SB: Right. Um, How are things?

NHSPT: Not good...

SB: Well, thanks for granting us this interview. Does Drew Gooden know you're here?

NHSPT: He does...*BLOARRGH* (vomiting)

SB: Wow. Are you alright?

NHSPT: ...

SB: What are your origins? Can we blame your existence on the fact that Gooden can't see you without a mirror?

NHSPT: What? No, oh go*BLOARRRRRRGH* (more vomiting)

SB: Ick. Here's a tissue. Can you continue?

NHSPT: Agh! No, I can't continue! For god's sake, Kill me! I shouldn't exist!

SB: Just a few more. How do you feel about the Cavaliers evening up this series? Do you think the media has underestimated their chance of beating the Pistons?

NHSPT: Gurgle... *BLOOOOOOOARRRRRRGH* (still more vomiting)

Well, you heard it here first folks. Join us next week when we interview Michael Vick's cocker-spaniel, Floyd Landis' urine sample, and Mark Cuban's sense of humility.

Technorati Tags: Drew Gooden, that thing on Drew Gooden's neck, Side-Show Bob, Rasheed Wallace, Manu Ginobili, Mehmet Okur

Gary Sheffield To Children of Africa: I Will Help You, Little Ones!

2007-05-31T07:42:00.001-04:00

Other things Sheff announced through the media recently:

February 27th to ESPN's Peter Gammons: "I've decided I need more fiber. Looks like I'm going with the Grapenuts tomorrow."

March 3rd to Fox News' Tyler Kepner: "Briefs no more!"

May 15th to USA Today Health Reporter Steve Sternberg: "I've decided to reimpregnate my wife. Print this so she'll know."

Can Machete and Tiny Save the NBA?

2007-05-25T15:30:00.001-04:00

Machete and I are sick of seeing the game we love go down the crapper. We talked about how to fix it:

Get rid of David Stern.

Machete: The guy was never that good, and now he’s straight-up delusional. He’s really setting the league back, not just with ridiculous crap like the dress code, but with actual infrastructure damage driven by his star-making fetish: the refs are debasing the sport of basketball.. Is there another sport where the rules are applied in a completely different manner to stars/non-stars? Also: the next time a ref goes into a Leslie Nielsen performance when calling a charge or a tech, I want him fined heavily.

Tiny: This is a no-brainer. David Stern could take the NBA in the direction of hockey if the sport itself wasn't so appealing. I feel like the Joey Crawford move was just a desperate attempt to prove referee culpability, and nobody's buying it. Superstar treatment is killing the NBA. Anyone who doubts my conviction on this statement should know that my login for NBA.com is 'superstartreatmentkillingthenba'.

These teams suck.

Tiny: Get rid of the Atlanta Hawks, the Memphis Grizzlies, the Charlotte Bobcats, and the New Orleans/Kansas City Hornets. Release the players as free agents, or have some kind of reverse-expansion draft. These teams are unwatchable, even by their own fans, and they're an embarrassment to the league. Just cut out the cancer.

Machete: I’d love to see a system where the worst two teams are sent to the D-League, but there is such an absurd amount of money sunk into these organizations that I don’t think it could ever happen.

Tiny: That would be great, but I just think the league is too big right now, unless they want to move into other countries. I'd love to see teams in London, Mexico City, and Tokyo, but it would probably mean too much travel, and we can't have the Vancouver Grizzly debacle repeat itself.

The only solution is to get rid of the dead weight.

Machete: The strange thing is, there are plenty of players to fill a league this size. The problem lies with the inept management and the GM who keep recycling the same tired coaches.

Viva

Tiny: Move the Sonics to Las Vegas.

Machete: I don’t care who, but move someone to Las Vegas.

The All-Star game is run worse than the Lions.

Tiny: Move the all-star game out of country.

Machete: This one drives me crazy. The all-star game could be a massive event every year, drawing a ton of dough and generating all kinds of interest in the league. First off: Put the Dunk contest out for sponsorship, when Nike makes that thing worth $1M, you’ll see Lebron and everyone else in it. The money will just get things going again, once people participate for a few years, pride will hopefully take over. The AS game is a perfect opportunity to show the personalities of the players, and the NBA completely botches it.

Make the all-star game the cultural event it should be.

Market to your strengths

Machete: Do whatever you have to do to figure it out. Pay the NFL to come in and consult, I don’t care. If you think white America just sees Iverson as a thug, hire Wieden+Kennedy to run an ad campaign demonstrating why he’s a pretty damn close approximation of the American Dream. That shit could have people in tears.

Tiny: This is what gets me the most. You can't see hockey or football players and baseball moves too slow. Basketball players are charismatic and bigger than life. We can actually see their faces during play. There are so many interesting stories of personal struggle and bizarre interest that it makes me cringe. This is an untapped goldmine: you have to read stupid blogs and Simmons to find this stuff out.

The season is too long

Tiny: Shorten the season to about 60 games. I'm sick of people not caring about games that barely count. 82 is way to many. There's barely an offseason in the NBA. Judging by the way winning a ton of regular season games killed the Mavs last year and the Pistons the year before, it's not even a good idea to win too many of the marathon 82 games. So what's the point?

Machete: Personally, I like having a game to watch so I’m not too concerned about the length of the season. Would 60 make things that much more interesting than 82? I’m asking, I don’t mean that sarcastically.

Tiny: Reducing it down to 60 games would shorten the season by a month or so. Considering how bloated it is now, it's headed in the right direction. Here's what I'm concerned about:

a) Teams running out of gas, reducing the importance of the regular season, and making the playoffs worse.

b) No one having the energy or time for international play in the offseason

c) Everybody but me and you tired of the NBA, because the season goes year round. You know I'll watch the Bucks play the Bobcats in a preseason game, but I don't expect anybody else to want to.

But do we let the players off the hook?

Machete: As stated, I blame Stern and company for a lot of the problems, but how much do you think the players have to do it with it? Do you think, on a general level, guys that for a large part grew up poor have a tendency to relax once they have 8 figures in the bank? Again, I blame the league for emasculating these guys and making it harder to care, but am I wrong in finding something refreshing in a guy like Stephen Jackson? He’s got his problems, but at least he gives a shit.

Tiny: I think the players attitudes are somewhat to blame, but I don't know how much control they have over the whole thing. I think players are in a brighter, faster media spotlight than they've ever been, and not 'more thuggish' than pros of the past. I'd like to see the days of 'boys will be boys' come back for these guys: I miss it. People like Stern freak out when Stephen Jackson fires off a gun outside a strip club, but regular business guys love hearing about something they'd never imagine doing.

I also think that the players have seen teams with impressive regular seasons fall twice in the playoffs in two years and figured that they need to win just enough to get a decent seeding in the playoffs. Since your chances to get in are better than 50%, you can see why they mail in some games.

Machete: That’s my biggest problem with it: middle America (the ones who would ever watch the NBA, anyway) is not nearly as ignorant or racist as Stern and his cronies assume. If you can demonstrate a little bit of nuance, show that while AI and Stephen Jackson have definitely made mistakes they still want to win and genuinely care about their teammates, I think everyone involved would be pleasantly surprised. A great example of the type of exception that should be the rule: The documentary “The Year of the Yao.” My dad is a 54 yr. old white male who’s voted straight ticket republican since he was 18, and when he saw that Steve Francis and Cuttino Mobley made an effort to befriend Yao and help him acclimate o the States, I can guarantee you he didn’t notice the tattoos. He was impressed by their humanity and their desire to help Yao become a force so they could all win games, and that’s what mattered.

Why the divisions again?

Tiny: Get rid of the divisions within the Western and Eastern Conference. It's not creating rivalries, it's pissing people off at the end of the season when teams with worse records get seeded ahead of them in the playoffs. If the NBA wants rivalries, I'd like to see them do what the MLB does here and have series within the season. That's one of my favorite things about baseball, and it would be great to see everyone play everybody else three times in a row.

Machete: I could go either way on the conferences, but I love your idea about playing series. The complete lack of rivalries in this league is a direct effect of the emasculation of all the players and coaches. They need to let these guys play and bump a little more, and if they’re worried about “public image” they should try developing an actual marketing plan (preferably one that doesn’t involve Rob Thomas or the Black Eyed Peas.

Tiny: I wasn't thinking about that, but the sissy-calling of the game is having it's impact as well. When's the last time you saw a flagrant foul that actually look like it might hurt somebody or endanger their career? Isn't that why the flagrant was invented?

The thing that upsets me the most about this is that it's never going to go in the right direction. The league is TERRIFIED of another palace-brawl type incident and totally convinced that business dudes want to see themselves reflected in the NBA (which is absurd, to think that the reason stock traders like Allen Iverson is because he wears a nice monkey suit.)

But without Pistons/Bulls or New York/Miami this league is starving. Make no mistake about it.

Are the playoffs too long?

Tiny: Get rid of the first round of the playoffs. If you're not going to get rid of the divisions, then have each division winner and one wild card winner from each conference. Otherwise, just do the best record 1-4. This is the first year in more years than I can remember that there were actual watchable series in the first round, and that was only 2 out of the 8. I've also heard people suggest that we should have a pre-playoff tournament to decide the final 2 spots of the 8, and I like that idea as well, but you're going to have to get rid of regular season games first, or the playoffs are going to run into the start of the regular season.

Machete: I’m down for six teams from each conference with a 3 game series for the final two spots.

Tiny: How about the first and second place finisher from each division get the first six spots, and then 4 teams with the best records play a mini-tournament for the last 2, single elimination. Then, make the play-offs 5 game series for the first and second rounds to make up for the games lost to the mini-tournament.

I hate the 7 game series format for the first rounds. It's the main reason why they suck so much: no possibility for upsets, with the possible exception of Golden State/Dallas.

Machete: Agreed.

Tanking is for assholes.

Tiny: Something needs to be done about the tanking. I'm thinking everyone who doesn't make the playoffs gets one ping-pong ball, but I'm open to suggestions. I don't know why we reward failure and punish talented prospects by sending them to teams incapable of developing their talent.

Machete: They should have some accountant/economist develop a formula to punish teams that lose a disproportionate number of their last 20 games. Also: with the salary cap in place (a system that I like, with some reservations), is a draft even necessary? Wouldn’t it be more fun, and more fair, to have all of the teams sit in a room and bid for the talent they want? For instance, Brewer is going to be a fantastic pro and would be a great complement to Lebron. Shouldn’t the Cavs have a chance to say “Hey, we really like this guy and we’re willing to pay him $7M even though he might bust (he won’t).” Should he really fall into some teams lap that won’t know how to use him because they happened to have a ping pong ball come up?

Tiny: OK, Mr. Libertarian, let's not go too far. As much as I'd love one of your cronies figuring out the best way to punish teams like the Celtics for embarassing basketball, some sort of system needs to be in place to help out teams to not go bankrupt. The NBA as a whole gets hurt when certain teams have no chance to compete. I know you think this will naturally work it's way out through market competition, but something has to be in place to punish teams who don't feel the need to win because they're making money without it. Also, this will just lead to teams who are willing to go over the salary cap (Lakers and Knicks) to buy championships, making the same big money markets competitive over and over and increasing the NBA's tendency to be one dynasty after another. I like seeing some good teams last a while, but 6 champions in the last 20 years is ridiculous. (I don't know why I'm doing this: getting into a financial discussion is a really bad idea for me.)

Machete: Alright, you reformed hippy, the libertarian charge isn’t too accurate on this one because I just said I like the salary cap. That ain’t exactly free market. How about this: Make the luxury tax $4 to $1, but give teams three exceptions that they can use to match salaries for their core, and add a provision that teams more than 10% above the luxury tax can’t bid on the top 20 players.

Tiny: Um, sounds good.

Weekend Update: Miami Heat Still Swept By Bulls in 1st Round

2007-05-25T13:20:00.001-04:00

With the holiday weekend upon us, and the Spurs/Jazz and Pistons/Cavs battling it out for trips to the NBA finals, we here at the Silver Bullet figured we'd see what the defending champs have planned for Memorial Day.

Riles:

"Aw, you know, I'm busy, man, a lot do. Some putsing around the house, gotta pick up some Dep 8. Been meaning to sit down and make a contingency plan, since Shaq's getting on in years and we all know it's a matter of time before Lil Dwyaney's wisdom teeth start hurting him again. The Safari was fun and all, but next time my hip's bugging me I want to do something a little less contrived, maybe a walkabout downunder or some Kava Kava out in Micronesia."

Shaq:

"What's up? Oh, hold on, let me finish these wings up, oh hey, hit me w/ that mayo, Big Kobayashi in the house."

Dwyane:

"Well, um, I'm just kinda workin on my modelin', since I can't train too hard right now . My allergies have really been buggin' me but my mom says I'm not asposed to talk about it on account'a she thinks sometimes I talk myself into being sick. It's no fun not playing in the playoffs and getting on TV and all, but when I look at my GQ spread and then look at Manu's bald spot, I feel a whole lot better."

(This is actually posted by Machete)

Technorati Tags: Miami Heat, Patrick Riley, Dwayne Wade is a Baby, Shaq

2007-05-25T08:52:00.000-04:00

Cleveland Doesn't Rock

Despite the protests of certain sportswriters, I think the refs did a good job last night. (Oh Really, Chris Sheridan, you think the Cavs got jobbed? Would you say that the referees hate the Cavs?) If Lebron can't make a 5-footer with bulimic Rip Hamilton bodying him up a bit, then the Cavs have way bigger problems than the referees. They called the game consistently. Done.
The real story here is that the Pistons played 2 horrible games in a row, and the Cavs didn't manage to win either one of them. With the exception of Rasheed Wallace's defense and clutch play in the final minutes and Jason Maxiell killing everyone in sight off the bench, the Pistons looked pretty terrible last night. Thankfully, the Cavaliers looked worse.

Raiders: Let's Win One for the Serial Killer

2007-05-24T08:28:00.001-04:00

To no one's surprise, convicted murderer and rapist Robert Charles Comer, 50, uttered the last words "Go Raiders" before being executed by lethal drugs on Monday. When asked about the well-wishing, Raider's owner Al Davis exclaimed "Wow. Our fans are truly dedicated to this team, and that's what it's all about, isn't it?"

Raider fans felt a sense of relief last month, when their contract with satan was renewed through the 2011 season.

2007-05-23T14:11:00.000-04:00

Paper Beats Rock!

The NBA announced today that in addition to ping pong balls, the 2008 draft will feature rock/paper/scissors for the #4 draft pick, a coin flip for #5, "eeny-meeny-miney-moe" for #6, and a 20-sided Dungeons & Dragons die for the remaining picks. Each team's chances will be weighted based on their president's performance during a Texas Hold 'em tournament multiplied by the finishing order of the Belmont Stakes. Mathematicians calculate it will still be statistically impossible for the Boston Celtics to win the #1 pick.

2007-05-23T13:57:00.000-04:00

Too Pissed to Blog About It.
Christopher Guest look-a-like, Scott Niedermayer, accepts the Campbell Bowl.

Allz I have to say is watch out for the Ottawa Senators, MICKEY MOUSE!!!

God Smites Basketball Jesus

2007-05-23T08:41:00.001-04:00

2007-05-22T16:50:00.001-04:00

Barack "Hussein" Obama, terrified of his Chicago Bears' inability to return to the Super Bowl, has launched a campaign of lies against the NFL. It seems Obama has pressured an intern, who he no doubt has had countless affairs with, to make up stories about one of the New Jersey Jets better players, non-date-rapist Justin Miller, in order to sabotage the Jets season.

This humble citizen asks what's next: sabotaging America?

2007-05-22T11:47:00.000-04:00

George Foreman claims he was drugged before naming all of his children "George Foreman."

Was George Foreman the only dope involved in the delivery room?

George Foreman isn't so sure.

In his recently-published memoirs, "God in My Corner," Foreman says he was drugged just before naming all of his ten children.

Foreman, then the world heavyweight champion, was a heavy favorite to give his children normal names. But instead, decided to name them all George. Separate times. Including the female ones.

But Foreman, now 58, says something else swayed him. In his memoirs he says before the delivery, his wife's doctor gave him something to drink that tasted like medicine

"I almost spit it out ... [I told her doctor] 'Man, I know this water has medicine in it,'" Foreman wrote. "I climbed into the stirrups with that medicinal taste still lingering in my mouth."

"After the fifth kid, I was as tired as if I had fought 15 rounds. What's going on here? Did someone slip a drug in my water?" he wrote.

"Why else would I name children all my children "George" in a stunning display of ego and bravado? The ultimate narcissistic expression?"

"That would be like someone, after the fact, making up an excuse for losing to the greatest fighter of all time, in one of the greatest fights ever."

2007-05-22T09:53:00.000-04:00

Lebron Makes Beautiful Pass, Thousands of Sports Reporters Trot Out Their Tired Cliches

Lebron's decision to play within the game has the sports world flush with King James stories today, but for all the wrong reasons. I've read diatribe after knee-jerk reaction piece about how "If he wants to be the king, he better start taking games over." HE WAS TRIPLE-TEAMED. Detroit threw two, three, and occasionally four defenders at him all night, including two of the best defenders in the game (Sheed and Teyshaun). If Donyell Marshall hits that shot (and he hit 6 threes in their previous game), we spend today reading stories about Lebron's wisdom beyond his years and ability to trust his teammates at a way earlier point in his career than MJ did (as well as the fact that if Marshall cans that wide-open three, Lebron chalks up a triple-double in a game where his team scored under 80 points).

Unfortunately for Cleveland, I don't think Teyshaun is going 1-11 again, so they may have just blown their best opportunity to steal one on the road. On the other hand, Pavlovic had an off night and Lebron only dropped 10, so Game 2 could be interesting.

Also: Isn't it amazing how much better Flip's defensive sets look when Rasheed decides to move his feet?

2007-05-22T08:50:00.000-04:00

I Was at the Pistons Game Last Night! Did You See Me?

Thanks oodles to Girl #1, who came through in a big way to get me and my lady-friend there. It says a lot about that arena that the game was still very viewable even from the very last row. I still managed to catch Rasheed punking Lebron with this block, a highlight to a stellar defensive night and a big reason the Pistons came through in the game.
I heard the announcers were dogging the crowd, but believe me people, I was dancing my ass off.

Woman Savagely Assaults Defenseless NFL Player

2007-05-21T15:07:00.001-04:00

Please feel confident that Roger Goodell will defend this player at all costs in this matter. Note: This is not a picture of the woman.

Thanks, Girl #1.

Technorati Tags: Justin Miller, NFL, Jets, Roger Goodell

2007-05-21T07:45:00.000-04:00

You Can't Get Through Detroit Trainin' In No Pool:

Giambi "Wrong for doing that stuff", While NBA "Loves This Stuff"

2007-05-21T07:40:00.001-04:00

What side you on?

2007-05-19T11:31:00.000-04:00

Excuses

Look people, it sucks for the Suns that they lost a pivotal game five without two of their best big men, and the rule which lead to these suspensions should probably be changed. It's obviously a racist rule which assumes that large black men should have nothing to do with a fracas, that their intentions could never be to stop it. The hypocracy of taking the 'boys will be boys' attitude only towards hockey and baseball is blatantly racist. The fact that it's okay for rich white kids to drop out of school and pursue early careers in tennis, gymnastics, and iceskating, but not for 'thugs' playing football or basketball is ridiculous. This is a knee-jerk rule born from fear, one that will never be changed after the palace brawl, and one that will continue to punish teams in questionable circumstances.
All of that being said, the Suns lost because the Spurs are a better team, not because of this rule. The Suns hit the wall against a team who has loads of playoff experience and who knows how to win big games. Yes, the rule is not fair, but the rule is in place, and I'm sure that all of the Suns were aware of this rule. Until the rule is changed, it should be enforced like any other rule.

Here's what I don't understand: If Rasheed Wallace gets that second tech in game 6 against the Bulls, I'm pissed at him, not the league. He lacks the ability to control his emotions, and that hurts the team sometimes. I'm never going to buy this whole Simmons argument that players can't be in charge of their own emotions. If someone pisses me off when I'm playing pick-up basketball and I punch them in the throat, I go to jail. I except that. It's another form of racism to assume that these players are too emotional to control themselves when they get in hyper-emotional situations. We are responsible for our actions. That's just how it works. If I was a Suns fan, I would be pissed at Stoudemire and Diaw, not making excuses for them, because they're contributions would have greatly helped this team beat a superior Spurs squad.
I'm sure that everyone reading this blog just assumes I'm a Suns hater, but believe me when I say I hate the Spurs equally. I just have a much deeper respect for their brand of playoff basketball. It won games when I was a kid and it wins games now.
Putting an asterisk next to this series is a fucking joke. The Suns got baited into breaking a rule and they broke it. Then when they were faced with a challenge, they fell short. Big-time teams win big-time games. The Spurs are a big-time team, and the Suns aren't yet. I'm not saying they never will be, but until they learn to play better playoff basketball through adversity, all they're going to be is everyone's regular season darlings.

2007-05-18T12:15:00.001-04:00

Second jewel of the Triple Crown coming up! See you in heaven...

2007-05-18T11:13:00.000-04:00

Pull it out? More like whip it out...

"Big cojones. Big cojones, bottom line, " said Wallace, whose composure was tested to the limit. He picked up his fourth technical foul of the postseason. "I mean, we know how to win in those situations. Look at this veteran ball club. ... We know how to win when it comes to those crunch situations."

Hushed Arena

2007-05-18T07:48:00.001-04:00

"In a strange sort of way it always feels better to close it out on the road. That silence, like church."

-Chauncey Billips, after game 6

Technorati Tags: Chauncey Billips, Pistons, Church

Ohio- Red State No More

2007-05-17T16:14:00.001-04:00

Technorati Tags: Carson Palmer, Brady Quinn, The Gay

Roundtable: Can the Pistons Pull It Out Tonight?

2007-05-17T15:13:00.001-04:00

Tiny: Hey kids. We have some new people at our round table, talking Pistons. Allright, guys. Can the Pistons win tonight? What has to change?

Kid Rickles: Uh, how about showing up? Paging Mr. Wallace?

Devok: Yeah, I think they will win. The comeback game has got to go! They better not get into a hole early and try to dig themselves out. It can't work every time, as we saw last game. But, I think if they start sinking some shots and carry with them the fact that they got beat at home, they will win. United Center is loud, but they can shut them up and I think they get satisfaction when they do quiet that room. Ben Wallace Bulls towels, my ASS!

Machete: I think the Pistons will win tonight, in spite of themselves. Flip's weaknesses are getting exposed big time by Skiles, but he's not nearly as bad of a coach as he currently looks. No one is making cuts, the only starters pushing the issue are Tayshaun and Chauncey. I'm almost to the point of advocating starting Maxiell to see what happens, but you can't do that because Rasheed would pout for the rest of the playoffs. It's getting to the point where I have a hard time rooting for him, and he was my favorite player about 14 months ago.

The Pistons also need to play way more physical with Gordon and Hinrich. It remains to be seen how they'd respond to this. Detroit's three straight victories shows that they're a superior enough team that it takes Chicago a while to adjust, so any major wrinkles that Flip is able to throw in the game plan should equate to a game 6 victory.

Also: I do not ever want to see Flip Murray on the court again. Every time he plays I imagine how Delfino is going to make a Memo like leap somewhere else and we'll all wonder why we didn't play him more.

Señor Itchy: I haven't been following that series all that closely, since I figured it was over after game three. But if Detroit doesn't win tonight, they're in trouble. They're under a lot of pressure, and they've got no momentum, but they are a team that responds well to pressure.

Vanceastro: The Pistons should win tonight because Tuesday's loss at home finally gives them the motivation to start out strong and play a full four quarters. They certainly don't want a game 7. As far as X's and O's, I couldn't tell you specifically what the team needs to do to be successful, but I think it's important that Chicago doesn't gain any momentum early on. If we can win tonight, the past couple of games will end up being a positive, since it gives Detroit a taste of losing in the playoffs, and it's best to have that happen now instead of against the Cavs/Nets.

2007-05-17T14:18:00.000-04:00

SI's Facial Hair Hall of Fame

I'm not sure how they left out our very own Nate Robertson. He's become a hall of fame all to himself. Bonus points for wearing glasses.

Vanceastro, Tiny, and Zenitram Chat: Are the Spurs a Dirty Team?

2007-05-16T14:32:00.001-04:00

Tiny: Okay, straight away. Are the Spurs a dirty team? yes or no.

Vanceastro: Spurs are dirty.

Zenitram: agreed.

Tiny: I don't really think they are.

Zenitram: BOOOOOO

Tiny: good. if we all agreed, this chat would suck.

Zenitram: anybody not-the-pistons is dirty. FACT.

Vanceastro: Duncan is their only talented player, so the rest of them have to flop and play dirty.

Zenitram: yeah, you won't see Duncan pulling that.

Zenitram:although i was surprised Horry did.

Tiny: The Spurs are like those cronies that hung around the one guy who had game. They would all cling to him, and you would hate them, kind of like Scott Williams and Bill Wennington with Michael Jordan.

Zenitram: kind of like the rest of maroon 5 and that singer.

Tiny: Zenitram: silence button!

Tiny: But I think the Spurs just play tough, like the Pistons, and they have pride, so they were mad that they were losing by so much.

Zenitram: yeah, they play tough. but some of the bowen stuff doesn't look good.

Tiny: agreed. but I'd love to have him on our team.

Zenitram: yeah. sometimes i miss Laimbeer.

Tiny: I like the old basketball way. But that's probably because I'm usually the biggest player on the court.

Tiny: I'd foul my own grandma if she tried to dunk on me.

Tiny: HARD.

Zenitram: But the intent with Amare seemed to kick him where he (literally) hurts.

Zenitram: If it hits in the right spot, his career's over.

Tiny: you have a point, that kick to the achilles was pretty cheap.

Zenitram: if you knock the guy over with physical play, whatever. that's part of the game.

Tiny: the thing that irked me was, if they let that go, why not let the bench-leaving go?

Vanceastro: The NBA makes too much out of these situations, though.

Tiny: how so, Vance?

Vanceastro: You wouldn't see the same reaction in baseball or football.

Tiny: true.

Tiny: and you wouldn't have seen it during the bad boys era.

Vanceastro: In baseball, you can have a batter charge the mound and no suspensions.

Zenitram: but there are ejections.

Vanceastro: I think ejections are ok. What I don’t agree with is suspending the players who got off the bench.

Zenitram: TOTALLY

Zenitram: all this does is cripple stern's darlings, and move it closer to (hopefully) a 2005 rematch.

Tiny: because the bowen-kicking thing was... you have to take intent into the equation.

Vanceastro: and also a history of such things.

Tiny: right. with the leg placement under the shooter and all.

Tiny: I guess... I think Bowen's dirty and Ginobili is a drama queen, but the other Spurs are okay by me.

Tiny: I think 'big-shot' was just caught up in the moment.

Vanceastro: On the whole, I don't think they are a dirty team.

Zenitram: probably not.

Zenitram: ESPN picked up the story, and made it bigger to draw in a bigger crowd.

Tiny: I think the flopping that Ginobili brings to the game is detrimental to my enjoyment of it, but it's not intended to hurt anybody or anything.

Zenitram: the flopping and the bald spot.

Tiny: do you think the suns have a chance to win tonight?

Zenitram: i think there's always a chance, but it seems unlikely.

Tiny: Pat Burke is gonna get some major PT.

Vanceastro: I think so... they were able to get to the western finals last year without Stoudemire

Zenitram: but they weren't playing the spurs...

Tiny: I think Duncan is gonna roll tonight.

Vanceastro: I would pick the Spurs, but the Suns have a chance.

Tiny: Kurt Thomas will be in foul trouble so fast he'll wish he was on the Knicks again.

Zenitram: without Stoudemire, who's going to fill out the double team? he'll dominate.

Tiny: but I think the Suns can take this to 7 games.

Tiny: I got Spurs in 7.

Vanceastro: Let's say the Pistons make it to the Finals. Can they beat Spurs/Suns?

Tiny: yes. Will they? Dunno.

Zenitram: Suns-yes.

Zenitram: Spurs-who knows?

Tiny: I say they crush the Suns.

Tiny: Spurs will take seven games, and if everybody shows up, they're in good shape.

Zenitram: i hope so. it's too hard to tell with the pistons anymore.

Vanceastro: The Pistons need to figure out a way to keep their games close.

Vanceastro: They seem to play their best when they're within 10 points either way.

Zenitram: i'm done with "turning it on, when we need to." STAY ON ALL THE TIME.

Tiny: We're not the Lakers. Who are these dudes? Go to work.

Warriors Lose: Where Will Owen Wilson, Kate Hudson, Snoop Dogg, Woody Harrelson, Jessica Alba, Jim Carrey Find Strength to Move On?

2007-05-16T11:20:00.001-04:00

Americans across the globe are at a high level of concern today, as the Golden State Warriors, known to be Owen Wilson, Kate Hudson, Snoop Dogg, Woody Harrelson, Jessica Alba, and Jim Carrey's reason for living on this earth, were eliminated from the playoffs by the Utah Jazz last night. Despite everything, these brave celebrities have chosen to soldier on and continue their publicly adored, red carpet appearing, model dating existences.

"Has someone checked on Owen?" voiced Frank Ramirez, a lift operator from Sacramento. "Just to, you know, make sure he's eating?"

"I don't know if I'll even be able to snort this line of coke" Kate Hudson confessed through tears. "I'll just miss those big black guys so much. The one with the beard, and the one with the mohawk and all the tattoos. I'll even miss the white guy who told them what to do, their russian leader or whatever."

Rapper Snoop Dogg might have been hit the hardest. "Oh, dear god: the Agony" he bellowed. "These experiences might be more than I'm built to withstand. If you stab me, do I not bleed?"

Snoop last month.

Snoop this month

Citizens interested in helping these poor famous people can show their support by attending Golden-Aid, a concert being put on by sympathetic Los Angeles area musicians this summer.

Technorati Tags: Snoop Dogg, Woody Harrelson, Kate Hudson, Jessica Alba, Jim Carrey, Owen Wilson

A Time to Be a Goat

2007-05-16T08:43:00.001-04:00

The editors of this esteemed blog would like to apologize publicly to Ben Wallace, Scott Skiles, Kirk Hinrich, and Kirk Hinrich's mom's dentist, all of whom have left us looking like idiots. The Pistons just couldn't make this a boring series, could they? On the brink of a sweep, the Pistons managed to get spanked again, this time on their home floor, 102-87. Chauncey thinks the team relaxing might have something to do with it. "I can't say we did that intentionally, but it's human nature when you get that kind of a cushion to let up a little bit," he said. "Our team, as you know, is not that good with cushions. Unfortunately, we've done that time and time again and have had to go on the road to win." The Bulls shot 72% in the first half (an embarrassment for a team known for it's defense) making 26 of their 36 field goal attempts, coming just shy of a record set by the '98 Lakers of 74% against the Supersonics.

Here are some things I'd like to suggest (since I know the team all read this blog daily...)

-Coach up. Flip Saunders is getting just pantsed by Scott Skiles for not only his inability to make in-game adjustments, but game to game series adjustments. Look at what's working. Go to that. Look at what's not working. Change it. How bad is our relationship with Rick Carlisle at this point? We're sorry?

-Bench Flip Murray. Leave him there. Unless you're Baron Davis, your job as a point guard is to PASS THE FUCKING BALL TO OPEN PLAYERS. I saw Murray make 3 passes last night, mostly in garbage time, usually after he was in the air (a terrible way to create space for a pass) after he had given up on every last opportunity to take his own shot by any means necessary. These passes would have been turnovers if someone hadn't been lucky enough to be standing on the perimeter. I know that everyone isn't comfortable with Lindsay Hunter's offense, but at least he hits the open man sometimes. Also, why isn't Carlos Delfino playing? Does he try too hard?

Last night, Machete advocated just cutting Murray altogether, and I couldn't come up with any arguments against it.

Play Jason Maxiell. If you can't figure out how to get 'Sheed in the post, then get someone else. I don't want to see any more fucking three point shots by our best rebounder. I know this isn't that complicated (see 'Coach Up' above) but you want the tall guy to stand next to the basket so that when the ball bounces off of the rim, he can retrieve it.

Stop Toying With My Emotions Recognize a good thing when you have it (a team on it's back) and apply the kill stroke. What is it with this team and coming up with creative ways to materialize the worst situation imaginable? Don't come back to Detroit without a win.

Technorati Tags: Bulls, Pistons, Chauncey Billups, Flip Saunders, Scott Skiles, Kirk Hinrich, Kirk Hinrich's mom, Lindsay Hunter, Carlos Delfino, Baron Davis, Fuck you Flip Murray

In Your FACE Nash

2007-05-15T14:46:00.001-04:00

Steve Nash was crushed today when news of Dirk Nowitzki's proud victory in the MVP race was announced from a small cave outside of Sinks Grove, West Virginia. Immediately after presenting the award, David Stern donned a jetpack and rocketed back to his New York office in time for Dwayne Wade's daily back massage.

"This is bullshit" Nash was quoted as saying. "Dirk is the champion and I have to go back to playing the boring old Spurs again? My groin hurts."

Technorati Tags: dirk nowitzki, NBA MVP, David Stern, Dwayne Wade, Steve Nash, Steve Nash's Groin, The Hoff

2007-05-15T14:33:00.000-04:00

Ken Griffey, Jr. makes heckler, all of Cincinatti feel inadequate in the bedroom

"You don't think I will?!?! How you like me now, son?!?!"

Cincinatti, OH - In order to stifle the jibes of a front-seat heckler, Ken Griffey, Jr. unleashed an XXL jock that made male Cincinatti fans uncomfortable, and lady fans tremble. After "shaming" and "humiliating" 65% of the male poplace in attendance, Griffey proceded to head to the plate, got hit in the now-unprotected balls and immediately went on the 60-day DL.

"I could probably fit my whole head...oh. Oh God."

2007-05-14T08:39:00.000-04:00

Kirk Hinrich's Mama's Teeth Are So Crooked, Her Mouth Look Like It Throwin' Up Gang Signs.

What the hell was up with Kirk Hinrich's mom's grill, people? She had, like, 2 teeth and one of them was pointing towards the sky and the other one was pointed out the door. She had so many teeth missing it looked like her tongue was in jail. Too far? How about this:

That dunk was fierce and all, but is it a good idea to stare somebody down when you're behind 15 points to a team you should've swept, or to make cheap shot blog posts insulting their mom?

Post Edit:
Looks like Hinrich might have pulled a Bruce Bowen. You be the judge.

My Girl Likes to Party All the Time

2007-05-11T15:14:00.001-04:00

Dearborn, MI police officer Edward Sanchez was forced to resign after him and his wife admitted to using evidence obtained in a drug bust to make pot brownies. Fortunately for us, he made a 911 call to report "overdosing" on said pot brownies. During questioning, his wife also admitted to a 3 week coke binge thanks to drugs she found in his police cruiser.
Wait for the part where he asks the operator what the score of the Red Wing game is just so he can make sure he's not hallucinating.

Pacman Jones- The Reason God Invented Prison

2007-05-11T12:24:00.001-04:00

The Worldwide Leader reported today that upstanding citizen Adam "Pacman" Jones decided to spend the night before the hearing for incidents at a strip club... at a strip club. Good luck on that appeal.

Why don't one of you programmers put yourself to good use (when you're done with all the casual sex) and make a Pacman game featuring Jones as Pacman, the dots as strippers, and the bouncers as ghosts? Except when these ghosts turn blue, Pacman has his friend shoot them in the spine?

A Time to Gloat

2007-05-11T09:24:00.001-04:00

Classy? No... Accurate? Yes.
Being a Pistons fan is really underrated. People claim their style of basketball is boring, since they cut down on the other team's scoring (which is pretty stupid, when you really think about it.) This leads to them not always having to score a lot themselves, so you don't get the high-light cross-overs and alley-oops, blah blah blah... I'm so sick of hearing about it. I'd rather watch the Pistons play the Spurs more than any other match-up in the league. The scoring entertained me in 3rd grade. Now I'm entertained by good teams playing good basketball. If I want that Golden State Warriors/Phoenix Suns And1 crap, I'll watch a Harlem Globe Trotters game.

Think the Suns are going to beat the Spurs? God Bless. I'd be ecstatic to see the Suns in the finals. Talk about boring, get ready to have a team with an overrated half-court set get tempo dictated to them for an entire series, not to mention their defensive issues. People always talk about the Suns as being 'underrated defenders' (which is the same thing they say about Larry Bird.) This is because of the fact that compared to the rest of the good teams in the league, they are TERRIBLE DEFENDERS. It's like saying Barry Bonds has an underrated personality, or Oliver Miller has an underrated metabolism, just because you know someone is going to bring it up.
But not getting ahead of ourselves, we'll try and stay focused like the Pistons. When you know you have a team who
A. Is always the smartest, most experienced team on the floor
B. Has the biggest, meanest players in the league
C. Can cause defenses problems at every position and
D. Wants it the most
it's pretty fun to watch for us here in Detroit.
As a kid who grew up watching your heroes eventually fall to the greatest player ever to play the game, it feels great to know that these Bulls aren't those Bulls.

2007-05-10T15:56:00.000-04:00

UofM #1 Again

The leaders and the best returned to the top of the heap this week, ranking first among all schools for Underachieving in basketball. Brian Ellerbee, Tommy Amaker, and a bunch of hippies from the Diag released a statement claiming this spot is theirs "by birthright." In the non-sports world, the Harvard of the Midwest retained it's pre-eminence in breastfeeding.

2007-05-10T12:26:00.000-04:00

This choice product from the Tigers MLB shop brings up two of my biggest pet peeves with the usual offering of team gear: artificially "antiqued" logos and only coming in size large-as-fuck.

2007-05-10T10:25:00.000-04:00

On the Subject of Snow Angels

Alright, well…the Red Wings made it to the next round, beating San Jose 4 games to 2. Very interesting considering the way they played in the first half of the series. The Sharks are big and with Thornton everywhere, it was a difficult task to beat them. The Red Wings can maintain with average offense and defense, but they need to step it up…especially, the goaltending.

People tend to go either way about Hasek. I can’t believe they brought him and Osgood back. Seems like crazy talk to me. By the way, Legacedid not lose them the playoffs last year...just thought I'd get that in there. But, I do have to say that they will continue to win IF Hasek plays like he did in game 6 of the last series. I think the key to winning that game is that he was vertical for most of the game. Yes, he was in a standing position!!! “Weird?” You say? Yeah, me too. When the announcers, people who supposedly know about such things, can’t make up their minds if you’re a good netminder or not, something is up. Most of the time he is sprawled out on the ground waving his arms and legs wondering where the damn puck is. Or, he’s really far out of the net trying to play it off the boards, which he never really does…another player usually is back to set it up (get in the damn net! You saw what happened when Nabokov came out with Datsyuk up in his grill.). Maybe that alone makes it interesting. Well, it makes me nervous. The announcers have said he makes too many “snow angels” when the other team just flips it over his head into the net, or he is the best goalie that has ever lived and has such body control, when he actually is upright and makes decent saves. You can’t have Lidstrom stopping goals all the time…

Any which way, both series will be good. Detroit will have a tough time with the Ducks.
If they get past them, look out. The Buffalo/Ottawa series will be very fun watch this round.
You might remember this! Don't wanna mess with Emery, son!

2007-05-10T10:23:00.000-04:00

Wonderful Time of the Year

I don’t claim to know anything about sports, but I do enjoy me some ice hockey.
That being said, it’s playoff time if anyone cares.
I know that ratings are really down and that the NHL is trying to figure out how to get people to pay attention to hockey. Vs. has been trying contests and getting the Canadian networks to broadcast some of the games, which is actually a smart move. NBC is showing some of the games, where you can hear Mike Emerick, who can also be heard on Vs., lay it down…it seems like they just show the Red Wings games because they have a tradition of winning and know that in a market like Detroit (looks beautiful from Windsor, no?) somebody is going to be watching. Hopefully, there will be some kind of turnaround and more people will be watching as we get nearer the finals. Should/could be interesting.

2007-05-09T09:59:00.000-04:00

Curt Schilling, while faking indignation for publicity, accuses Barry Bonds of faking performance for publicity.

Spotlight!

Roger Clemens will eventually be reached for comment.

2007-05-08T16:48:00.000-04:00

Former Tiger Dmitri Young drops ball, finds burrito.

2007-05-08T15:19:00.000-04:00

Roger Clemens Memo

The investigative staff at The Silver Bullet recently obtained the following secret memo being distributed among Yankees players, detailing how to deal with Roger Clemens if they seem him in the clubhouse.

• Stop, stay calm and quiet, and make no sudden moves.

• Break eye contact - do not stare in Mr. Clemens' eyes, as this is a sign of aggression.

• Stand your ground - do not turn your back on Mr. Clemens - sometimes he will bluff charge several times. Have your pepper spray ready, but do not spray unless you are sure he is close enough to spray in the face.

• Look for signs of agitation and aggression - When Mr. Clemens is standing on his hind legs, he is usually just trying to get a better look and smell of you. When he is upset he may have his ears back - he may lower his head and swing it from side to side - he may paw at the ground - he may make huffing or woofing noises - he may snap his teeth - or not show any signs at all, and just drop and charge with no warning.

• Back away slowly, speaking in a calming, monotone voice - you want to show Mr. Clemens that you are being submissive and want to get out of "his" territory. Do not turn your back and always have your pepper spray ready.

• If Mr. Clemens comes at you - spray the pepper spray aiming for his face or spray a fog out that Mr. Clemens has to run through to get to you.

2007-05-08T14:11:00.000-04:00

New Worst Place in the World Voted To Be Between Jason Maxiell and Nearest Basket

Jason Maxiell was treating the bulls like prison bitches last night, putting Luol Deng in a headlock and elbowing Kirk Heinrich in the face for no reason at all other than he was hungry. They were lucky that he only eats babies.

2007-05-07T12:55:00.000-04:00

Boom, I put it in the hoop.

"That's How I Beat Shaq"

Hot hot hot?

2007-05-07T09:22:00.000-04:00

New Roger Clemens Rookie Card Discovered

Magic Johnson's AIDS Defeats Suns in Game One

2007-05-07T09:04:00.001-04:00

Magic Johnson's AIDS made a surprise return to the NBA yesterday, terrifying NBA officials into benching Steve Nash until he could stop shooting blood out of his nose. Most watchers agreed that if Nash had been in the game, he could have beaten the Spurs walking on his hands.

In other news, these Phoenix Suns HAVE NEVER EVEN MADE IT TO THE NBA FINALS, and these Spurs HAVE WON THREE CHAMPIONSHIPS IN THE LAST 8 YEARS. Despite this, I have to argue with people that the Suns novelty gorilla motorcycle riding team isn't going to win a championship EVERY YEAR. I agree that Tony Parker didn't do a lot for America's image of France when he went fetal on the floor and Nash looked unfazed, despite the fact that Nash was the one who was actually hurt. I would like to point out, however, that Nash was attempting to make a terrible defensive play, reaching for a steal that wasn't there, instead of moving his feet laterally like you're taught to do when you start playing basketball in middle school. I think the Suns are really good for the league and are really fun to watch, but unless David Stern spends the rest of the playoffs holding on to Tim Duncan's leg Jeff Van Gundy style, the boring old Pistons and Spurs are going to the finals again.

2007-05-06T19:45:00.000-04:00

Yankees send Earth back in time

Earth, 1999 - In a stunning display of his power, George Steinbrenner has brought the earth back in time from the year 2007.

Seen below flying around the planet to induce time travel, Steinbrenner intends to build another Yankee championship no matter the cost to his bottom line, or the structural integrity of the universe.

His plan unfolded slowly by keeping established players like Derek Jeter, Jorge Posada and Mariano Rivera. Sadly, Bernie Williams could not withstand the rigors of time travel and succumbed to "old age." Steinbrenner's history-altering mission continued in the off-season with former Yankee Andy Pettitte, and now with another former Yankee, Roger Clemens.

Steinbrenner vowed that the Yankees would "do anything it takes, get anyone it takes, or continue my rampage through the space/time continuum in order to guarantee another Yankee's world championship."

Experts believe that Steinbrenner's next targets include a young Reggie Jackson, a home-run hitting Babe Ruth and the Son of God, Jesus Christ.

2007-05-04T14:37:00.000-04:00

Mark your calendars. On September 1, the Michigan football season begins with a rousing match up against... Appalachian State.

BONUS VIDEO: Hot hot hot

Fall Down 8 Times, Get Up 7

2007-04-30T14:48:00.001-04:00

Thanks for "playing!" Enjoy the home prize. It's called "LosingAllYourFreeAgentsOpoly". Oh, Heat dynasty. We hardly knew you.

2007-04-30T12:03:00.000-04:00

"I'm just real tired,'' Calvin Johnson said via conference call from the draft headquarters at Radio City. The writers here gathered around a speakerphone and strained to hear his soft words. "I'm kind of drained right now.''

White People With Dread Locks

2007-04-26T11:03:00.001-04:00

Many times have I watched a Nugget game and not been able to ignore one incredibly tan white man with long, thick, gray dreadlocks sitting directly behind coach George Karl. I thought maybe I should have said something the first time I noticed it, but now, sadly, it is too late. During last night's Nuggets-Spurs game 2, TNT couldn't help but to show Steve Hess (that's the wookie's human name) furiously massaging Allen Iverson's UPPER THIGHS while he was on the bench. Iverson had a look on his face that read something like "Of all the teams I could have gotten traded to, I get traded to the one with this crazy hippy white man who wants to massage my upper thighs." When he noticed that the camera was on him, he had a look that said "If any of my boys see this, I will make you disappear, cameraman."

2007-04-20T12:56:00.000-04:00

Still Good Cookin'

Keep smiling, Sheff. Even though you're not hitting, this trade still looks good.

2007-04-18T10:20:00.000-04:00

Balling is such sweet sorrow...

One time child rap superstar and heir to the throne of Master P. Lil' Romeo is apparently a good enough basketball player to make the USC Trojans team.

By hammer and tongs Lil' Romeo, the gods have smiled upon you and we are all blinded by your brilliance. Prithee, hark these words lest your hubris swells neathe your bosom, "Wisely and slowly; they stumble that run fast."

First Annual Award Gala

2007-04-17T15:02:00.001-04:00

Thank you and welcome to the first annual Silver Bullet NBA awards. Now that we've all seen how well Trumpetwool and I clean up, I'd like to publicly apologize for Vance Astro's savage attack on Joan Rivers. He'll be back from "Hawaii" and posting again soon. As for Joan, believe me, her arms will grow back. As for Zenitram and Machete- way to wear a shirt. We even brought Girl #1 and Girl #2 along from TGG to assist in the judging. Holy shit. Sorry to take attention away from you, Joey Crawford, you're still the reason people tune into NBA games. That is, as soon as next year rolls around, when Joey won't be enjoying games from the comfort of his own home...

Coach of the Year

Tiny: Avery Johnson. The Mavericks might have the 5th or 6th best season all time this year. Plus he got Nowitzki and Stackhouse to switch egos. Sorry, Machete, I know you're afraid of 'the little people'.

Machete: Mike D'Antoni, with apologies to Sam Mitchell. Mitchell did a great job with the Raptors this year, but people forget how many balls D'Antoni is juggling. Marion is a borderline head case and Stoudemire has one of the biggest egos in the league. Look at how many guys on that team were also-rans until D'Antoni got a hold of them and turned them into the most potent offense in the history of the NBA. I said it.

Zenitram: Doc Rivers "I love the ball movement." I think the entire city of Boston would love to move his balls.

Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace

Girl #2: Doc Rivers = Durant or Oden

Trumpetwool: Diana Ross

Defensive Player of the Year

Zenitram: Ben Wallace. (Bigger media market? Sounds like somebody's going to win some more awards!)

Machete: Tim Duncan- changes every play he's on the court for.

Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.

Girl #2: Tayshaun, just for that block in 2004.

Trumpetwool: Carmelo Anthony

Tiny: Ruben Patterson's Lawyer (way to keep Ruben's repeated domestic abuse cases out of the paper!)

Most Improved Player:

Zenitram: How is this not Tony Allen?

Machete: Deron Williams, with apologies to David Lee. If you care about basketball, you should make a concerted effort to watch Williams and Lee ply their crafts. Straight up love of the game.

Tiny: Deron Williams.

Girl #2: Darko Darko Darko! or I mean, Okur - the one we should have kept!

Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.

Trumpetwool: Shaq.

Rookie of the Year:

Tiny: Brandon Roy (BOOOring)

Machete: Brandon Roy, though I have a feeling Bargnani will end up being the better player, Roy is better right now.

Trumpetwool: Greg Oden

Girl#1: Rasheed Wallace

Girl #2: A tie between Adam Morrison's dirty stache and J.J. Redicks DUI - just like the old college days.

Zenitram: Carrot Top (created by Tiny, in order to bring him down to "our level" in NBA2K7.)

Sixth Man:

Girl #2: McDyess is money.

Machete: Barbosa. Bonus points for actually being a sixth man.

Tiny: I don't care. Not Flip Murray?

Zenitram: Posthumously , Leandro Barbosa. We still miss your smile.

Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.

Trumpetwool: Jimmy Walker Blue.

(Not to be confused with Jimmy Walker Black.)

MVP:

Tiny: Dirk.

Zenitram: Dirk AKA Frankenstein's Monster.

Girl #2: Kobe Bryant because (shock) he is actually the best player in the league.

Machete: T-Mac. Plays within a system and welcomes other talent (unlike Kobe), Steps up when it matters, mean killer instinct.

Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.

Trumpetwool: Sanjaya.

Playoff Predictions:

Tiny: Pistons over the Mavs (Rasheed Wallace is the only player in the league who can defend Dirk Nowitzki, if the Mavs can get by the Spurs.)

Machete:

Eastern Champs: Pistons (Assuming Rasheed decides to try and that the refs can't more blatantly jock Wade and Riles than they did last year.)

Western Champions: Spurs

NBA Champions: Spurs

Girl #2: Pistons show Dallas the real D.

Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.

Trumpetwool:

Eastern Conference Champions: Real World

Western Conference Champions: Road Rules

NBA Champions: Dallas Mavericks

Zenitram:

Eastern Conference: Detroit Pistons

Western Conference: Dallas Mavericks

NBA Champions: There's one call for us all.

2007-04-13T18:57:00.000-04:00

I Heart Sports?

Whats up all. My name is Girl #2 and I come from the humble celebrity bashing land of tgg. For the most part, I'm treated pretty well over there, and they only lock me up in the shed twice a week now instead of every day. Before I began spending all my free time at home and work searching for the latest and greatest, juiciest gossip to embarrass my favorite (really hated) celebrities, believe it or not I spent most of my time checking up on my favorite sports news. And contrary to what Girl #1 has said in madness, that does not make me a lesbian. Unless of course you are my parents and still wondering why I'm not married yet… then I'm as gay as this

So anyway I guess its my turn to "pretend" to know about sports. Only problem is, I don't really have to pretend. You'd be surprised how many Green (Sports and Leisure) questions I can get right in a game a Trivial Pursuit. And I challenge almost anyone to a 3-point shooting contest and I'm pretty sure I would win.

Alright, enough bragging.
Maybe its just the influence of writing about celebrites or maybe its just something in the water, but anyone else feel the line between sports and everything else is slowing disappearing?

Thanks to ESPN and tons of people with a LOT of free time, Poker gets just as much airtime as a sport as basketball.

When I was in high school, they tried giving people on Quiz Bowl letter jackets.

Somehow I just don't get the same feel with them as I would a college bball team doing the same thing at the end of a March Madness game.

This is going on.

But none take the cake quite like MTV, who is getting ready to launch another ridiculous "challenge" - The Inferno. They seem to have created the perfect formula for bad sports.

Take a bunch of assholes, put them on a beautiful country, and get them really really drunk together for weeks straight.

Throw in a little douche for good measure

And whaaalllaah

ahh yes... i heart sports...

2007-04-11T14:18:00.000-04:00

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has handed down a suspension to "Pacman" Jones of the Tennessee Titans for violating the NFL's personal conduct policy. Also reportedly under investigation:

"Dig Dug" Smith
"Frogger" Roberts
"Pong" Jackson
"Donkey Kong" Rodriguez
"Super Mario Brothers 2" Franklin
"Final Fantasy VII" Williams
"Wii Sports" Anderson
"The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask" Garcia

Ernest all up in your face

2007-04-11T13:42:00.001-04:00

(Vance Astro opens the door for Tiny and Zenitram, saving them from impending snow storm...)

Tiny: YAY! Vance Astro saved Christmas!

Zenitram: Vance Astro Scared Stupid.

Tiny: Vance Astro GoesTo Africa.

Zenitram: Vance Astro never went to Africa, did he?

Tiny: He totally did.

Zenitram: Son of a bitch. You and Ernest can go straight to hell.

Tiny: Who's Ernest?

Spammers are reading my mind

2007-04-10T14:46:00.001-04:00

Actual spam I just received:

"Iverson said the Nuggets knew they'd have to start quickly and play relentless They lost to Detroit 105-83 Friday night, which D'Antoni blamed on emotional

Remember HANS and FIZ

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interested in are still coaching in the NCAA tournament." DENVER (AP) - Allen Iverson is 46 points against Chicago on Nov. 24 while he was still with the Sixers. He the first round of the playoffs next month. ''We didn't have any energy,'' handle when Anthony and Iverson are coming at you like that. They are hard to"

My favorite part about reading this spam was actually trying to discern some sort of Allen Iverson story from it. "Iverson is coaching in the NBA tournament?" This is going to take me back to the days of bong-a-day paranoia. If only "Tiny" weren't my real name, I wouldn't pay close attention to HANS and FIZ, but those babies are gonna skyrocket!!

Celtics start 2 10-Day contract players, mascot, hobo, and man in wheel chair

2007-04-10T09:03:00.001-04:00

Upon hearing the news that Texas phenom Kevin Durant will enter this year's NBA draft, Celtics General Manager Danny Ainge informed Celtic's coach Doc Rivers that it was "time to bring in the small guns". Knowing his coaching future was in jeopardy, Rivers benched Delonte West, Paul Pierce, Wally Szczerbiak, Al Jefferson, and Kendrick Perkins in favor of Anthony Goldwire, Kevinn Pinkney, Celtics mascot Lucky the Leprechaun, Hobo Eddie "Pancake" Jackson, and John Burroughs, a man who will never walk again. Anthony Goldwire and Kevvinn Pinkney were recently signed to 10 day contracts. Lucky the Leprechaun has given up his cheer-leading duties in favor of the starting small forward spot. John Burroughs confused the location of the Celtics practice facility with that of his local YMCA, where Burroughs plays for the Boston Knights, a local wheel-chair basketball team. Upon seeing Burroughs enter the facility, Ainge signed Burroughs for the rest of the season, and informed him that "no, he could not leave." Eddie "Pancake" Jackson has lead the league in rebounds per minute played since coach Doc Rivers told Jackson that "the ball has crack in it".
In the 3 games with this line-up, the Celtics have lost to the Atlanta Hawks, the New York Knicks, and the Washington Generals by a total of 753 points. When Kevin Durant was asked to comment, he wept openly.

Zenitram Gays it Up!!

2007-04-09T17:25:00.001-04:00

Tiny: Well done, sir.

Zenitram: You saw my sex tape?

Zenitram: it's nice to be appreciated.

Tiny: We like the effort, but were hoping you might use this to explain the triangle:

Tiny: ...and no reference to Britney's West Virgina?

Zenitram: I mentioned her lady business. I thought about adding a picture, but thought better of it and decided to keep my job.

Tiny: having read a lot of 2 Girls and a Gay, I think that might advance your career.

Tiny: Girl #1 defined your post as "cute". probably because she's a broad, and broads call every fucking thing "cute".

Zenitram: Ouch. I was hoping for roguishly handsome.

Tiny: from Girl #1: "Tell the Mexi i said thanks for the post- and I'll send another person of color along to you sometime this week."

Zenitram: ...

Tiny: We get a Chaldean in the blogger exchange.

Zenitram: Wow. I don't know how i feel about being involved in your slave trade.

Tiny: Yeah. We slave owners often ask the slaves whether or not they're happy with being slaves.

Tiny: Girl #1 says "We generally do have a requirement to use the word "vagina" at least 3 times in every post but we'll let this one slide.

Zenitram: Tell her i think about vagina at least three times a minute, if that makes any difference.

Zenitram: AT LEAST.

Tiny: I'm sure she'll think that's "cute" as well.

2007-04-09T16:27:00.000-04:00

Tribal Update

Followup to VanceAstro's post:

The Cleveland Indians have decided to move their entire franchise to Milwaukee. In conjunction with this decision, the mayor of Cleveland has announced the creation of suicide kits for the city's sports fans, starved of a championship since the beginning of time. Meanwhile, in other Cleveland news: LeBron James signs with the Atlanta Hawks to "finally win an NBA championship."

2007-04-09T14:08:00.000-04:00

Cleveland Indians Cancel 2007 Season

Associated Press
Published: Monday, April 09, 2007

CLEVELAND — Cold and wet weather wiped out the Seattle Mariners and the Cleveland Indians for the fourth straight day, causing the Indians to give up and cancel their entire season. "Let's face it, we weren't going to win anyway," said heartthrob Grady Sizemore.